Tyrone's rules for driving in Connecticut
[Addendum made by Ricardo Reimundez]
A guide for outsiders and the uninitiated.
High beams have the following applications:
- Blinding other drivers who've cut you off. This usually works best when accompanied by fist wielding, and while screaming expletives regarding the opposing driver's [pick one or more]: mother, female pets (usually dogs), their choice of vehicle, or certain bodily parts referenced by alternate naming conventions.
- Seeing in the pitch-dark roads with no street lights
- Blinding drivers who are coming from the opposite direction; who cares about their safety?
- Blinding people who are driving "too slow for you". [Meaning, "You need to go at least 5mph faster, or get out of my way"].
- Warning other drivers that there's a trooper up ahead or right behind you.
Headlights have the following applications:
- Blinding cars smaller than you in plain daylight, making them move.
- Blinding people, letting them know that you are about to speed around them, effectively making them freeze like deer in headlights.
Driving in traffic.
- Thou shalt tailgate for speeds up to 115 mph. After that, you simply wait for the person in front of you to hit a tree, drive off the road, change lanes, blow a tire, or roll over. If you feel savvy enough, try to hover left to right behind them, looking for a way out. This hovering usually works best when the front of your vehicle is in close proximity to the car in front of you. Rule of Thumb is 1/2 inch for every 10 mph (i.e. 100mph = 5-6 inches, approx.)
- Even if normal bumper to bumper traffic in front of you is moving at 60 or 65 mph, you must follow one of these rules:
- Tailgate the person in front of you. Use your high beams if necessary to get him or her to move into the 35 mph lane. At which point you will need to repeat, as there are usually about 60 cars in front of that guy.
- Weave in and out of traffic, using no turning signals while everyone cringes in fear. Also, don't forget that when coming up behind someone, you should wait until the last possible moment to change lanes, this scares the person ahead of you into thinking that you're going to hit them. Remember: It's always to come up close from behind than to cut off close in front. (Higher fear factor, you're coming at them, not away from them).
- Use the "battering ram" method: Slowly creep up to the person in front of you, then fall back. Repeat until person moves out of your way. There is also the alternative "battering ram" method where by you swerve left and right while you're on the apex of the cycle (i.e. closest to the car ahead of you).
- Use the "push" method in the case that the person in front of you is only driving in the left lane to avoid having to drive behind someone else. You keep a safe distance, but still drive close enough to make that person speed up, or move out of the way. The threshold for most people is pretty far, but be prepared.. there are some people that nothing short of bumping will cause them to move. Determine what your comfort level is. If theirs exceeds yours then revert to either of the "battering ram" techniques.
Signal lights shall be used only in the following manners:
- When you're already in between lanes and want to let the driver behind you know where they should go to get away from you.
- When, in the left lane, use your left indicator to say "Hey, I know that there is no left exit for the next 40 miles, but I just like to hear it click."
- Never use it to signify that you're about to change lanes. This will give people a chance to speed up so you can't get in front of them. Everyone loves the element of surprise.
- An added element of surprise is using it when you're cutting people off. It serves to make you feel better about yourself when you cut others off; "Hey, I had my turn signal on! They shoulda seen it coming"
- Use when some jerk can't keep his car in one lane.
- Use it in place of rolling down your window and cursing them out [Applicable in winter]
- Use it when you need to wake another driver up. No one likes sleepy drivers.
- Also good for winter driving is the "horn and birdie" method. This involves using the extended middle appendage on either hand with your palm facing you. Curl the other fingers downward into a fist. Direct your knuckle side at the other driver.
- Only use when driving or when broken down, whether or not it's important.
- When using cellphones, simultaneous use of turning signals is not allowed. Just swerve in and out of traffic. Everyone knows where you're going anyway.
- Also, when using cellphones, you must slow down to 65 miles an hour when normal traffic is moving at 75. This will make other drivers say wonderful things about you.
- When using a cellphone, driving in one lane only is frowned upon. You must be straddling two lanes, or at least trying to this enables you to get a better signal to your cellphone without the interference of cars next to you.
Courtesy to other drivers and changing lanes:
- When driving in the left lane on a two-lane highway or expressway, always try to slow down to make other drivers have to risk life and limb to get around you. And never switch lanes, either. When faced with anyone using any of the tailgate techniques, stand your ground.
- Always swerve in and out of lanes unexpectedly. We want to think you're trying to run away from the police.
- When you see a driver who's been tailgating you for 17 miles trying to get around you, speed up, almost to an unsafe level of driving. Then when the driver has to get behind you again, slow down to fifty-seven miles per hour. If this process is repeated numerous times. You can proceed to begin drifting off to the other lane, and when they think you're going to let them pass, drift back into your lane. Remember no turn signals on this one. It opens you up to litigation. Also, you can stay in your lane with your right turn signal on. But remember.. stay in your lane if you do that.
- When switching lanes, you usually have to see the driver's fender if your rear view mirror before changing lanes. Not in Connecticut. When changing lanes, you only have to see the driver's front wheel in your side view mirror before you can move over. Trading paint builds character, and it gives you a chance to see how that color would look on your car before you spend lots of money at the body shop.
- Stay in the leftmost lane until you see your exit, then, without use of your turn signals, and with only one glance behind you, swerve two or three lanes to your exit ramp.
- Try to speed up and then wedge your self in between two cars, even if you don't fit, and especially if you were just driving behind them. In this case, using a turn signal is permitted, as long as you only flash the turn signal once.
- Left-only lanes can be used as a passing lane at a light. Others love the surprise of cars who should be turning going in excess of the speed limit at the instant the light goes green while they're cut off instantly.
- Similarly, gutter lanes on the right side of the road can be used as passing lanes as well. You're ensured success if you exceed 40mph while doing this. 113 RJE, Blue trailblazer - that one's for you.
- When your leg gets tired, try to put your cruise control on 67 miles per hour, and stay in the left lane. Just don't look in the rear view mirror. And don't worry about the cold, evil stares from other drivers who have to rush around you, either. Really.
Road signs and signals:
- Whenever there is a sign with a speed limit, usually add on 15-20 mph wherever possible. State troopers don't mind.
- STOP means one of the following:
- Softly Tap On Pedal
- Speed Through On Purpose
- The stop signs are also meant for other drivers, never you. Feel free to drive as you please.
- If you're in a hurry, feel free to let the driver in front of you at the light know that the light has changed as soon as the red bulb dims. Honk your horn as loudly as possible. Use a hand gesture if necessary.
- Red lights are stop signs when there is no crossing traffic at the intersection. [1-24-2003]
- The first car has an automatic 'left-only' green if it can obstruct the oncoming traffic right-of-way. [07-01-2004]