I’ve been struggling to write something, anything lately. So bear with me. The last two to three months of 2010 have kicked me in the head. Happy new year and all of that.
Work had been kicking my ass lately. One project would run over into the next and project managers were all upset. Late nights and weekends were the norm for bringing work home. (Well, except Thanksgiving. I wasn’t interested in that nonsense.)
Just when I squared everything away and was ready to try to get back to normal, I received some awful news. My sister in Baltimore, Nikki had gone into labor and died after the baby was born. The shock was overwhelming for many reasons.
First, I got the news from another sister via a private msg – we didn’t even have each other’s phone number. That was bad enough. I was hoping to get together with everyone soon. There was a lot of drama and frustration around our father who I wasn’t talking to. I had let that anger keep me distant from everyone.
I discussed this with a friend on Twitter; she said that everything that happened isn’t their fault and that I should reach out. Once she said it like that, I agreed. l don’t usually hold onto grudges, but I let this linger for too long.
I was sad that we didn’t get a chance to get together. I was heartbroken for my brother in law, my niece and new nephew. The last time I was even close to seeing them we breezed back and forth to D.C. Because of a wedding for one of Shonda’s friends. I didn’t even have extra time to make one stop. We had to get back to our jobs.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Nikki was only 33. She worked in a NICU as a neonatal nurse. I don’t know of any other time something like this would happen. Not here.
Finally, the four of us did get together. We all wish it was under happier circumstances. I often felt that weddings and funerals were the only reasons my family got together.
Nikki was always trying to get us together. We all live close enough to make it work. I’m putting aside my anger and reaching out to my other sisters. I lost a piece of myself, but I hope to gain a little by reaching out to family. I hoped we could do better. We all plan to, soon.
We haven’t seen each other in too long. Now we’re in touch pretty regularly.
I’ve really appreciated all of the support from friends, family and colleagues. There was such an outpouring of love, it’s been overwhelming. It’s been almost a month, and it still doesn’t make sense to me…but I never thought everything that happens is meant for me to understand.
Nikki will be missed. Love ya, sis.