1. People will stop posting photos of food.
2. Men and women will use social media to understand one another, and no one will argue about it.
3. People will realize that their passionate political tweets and Facebook posts will not change anyone’s mind.
4. Your relative will fact-check that email before forwarding it.
5. Web MD will say your search is not cancer.
6. No one will question anyone else’s parenting style or relationship choices.
7. No one drunk tweets.
8. Everyone uses spell-check.
9. Reality TV tweets are replaced with in-depth discussions about science and technology.
10. Men are not critical of women’s appearances. Period.
11. There will be no such thing as “A Joint Facebook account”
12. Self-appointed Relationship experts will disappear.
13. Someone will have a disagreement on line, and one party will admit they’re wrong. The issue is resolved.
14. Your favorite Social Media outlet protects your privacy.
15. Differences between people will not be mocked.
16. Any man or woman who doesn’t fit into a preconceived role will not be the object of derision.
17. Mean-spirited status updates are reconsidered, and are never posted.
18. There are no photos of white people in blackface.
19. Instead of trolling Black Women as to why they can’t keep a man, magazines will  write articles that help women. (Or they’ll write an article titled “You ain’t shit: Do better, Black man!”)
20. “I’m sleep though” will never be used again.
21. “Rise and Grind” will be buried.
22. No one makes outlandish statements just to get attention. (example: “Rhianna is the new Whitney Houston. But I’m sleep tho.“)
23. News outlets ignore the political opinions of sports stars and celebrities.

So once the Fitbit came along, I was interested. I knew that I didn’t walk enough – my job is mostly sedentary, and I wanted to see how much I was walking each day. I used to work out, and feel ravenously hungry – but was never sure if I was overeating after a workout. Also, the Fitbit can help to track sleep each night. I knew I wasn’t sleeping enough, but I was also worried about the quality of sleep I was getting.  For $99, I figured it wasn’t too expensive to give it a try.

Currently, I have the Fitbit One:

From left to right, the clip that the One slips into, The one, the charging USB dongle, the wireless USB sync, and a quarter for reference. (Not shown: the wrist strap to assist in tracking sleep.) I was disappointed that this version didn’t use Bluetooth to sync (I like to sync at work and at home – carrying the sync device makes me nervous as you can see how small it is). However, you can sync with the iPhone 4S, 5, iPad 5, iPod touch 5th gen, and Samsung SIII/Note II.

For a few months, I only observed my step data. Then I tried to make small changes. I had many fits and starts with trying to get it right. Then I got frustrated and decided to go all in. I challenged myself to walk more – park further away, walk a mile to the office, walk up stairs, make a visit instead of sending an email. I may have driven my family ragged trying when we were out.

I have recommended this system to many people, but always with one caveat: You may lose the Fitbit, even for a little while. I’ve had it twist and fall off of my belt clip or waistband a few times. I’ve had it fall off when I was getting undressed. So I now wear it on my collar or on my shirt. I’m constantly checking if I have it on. Over time, I’ve become quite dependent on it.

I set a weight goal, I used the Fitbit site to enter my food intake for the day and stayed within the ranges I set for myself. Well, I stayed within those ranges more often that not. To some, the counting and logging of food is too tedious. I’ll agree that it can be, but I put that in context of the bigger goal I had, and pressed on.

For tracking sleep, I slip the One in the wristband (shown at left) and let it track activity (done by holding down the button). I found out that I am getting less sleep than I thought. There are weeks where I get less than 6 hours per night.  Once I noticed it, I took measures to fix it. (And hoped that my light-sleeping family would sleep the entire night.) I stop recording by holding down the button and then sync once I turn my PC on.

I love seeing the data, telling me exactly when and how many times I woke up during the night.

Fitbit also has a Premium service that lets you see how you stack up against other users in your age range (of course, gender-specific). It costs $49.99 a year. I can dive into how I’ve been eating, how active I’ve been, and the site sets up a 12 week program where it challenges you to be a little more active than the week prior.

After setting up the trainer for this week:

And the plan for all 12 weeks, notice how it gradually nudges you to do a little bit more.

Overall, I love the system. I would prefer that they added another sync dongle, or had a program where you could insure/replace the device if you lost it. Their customer support is helpful, and the results have been great for me. My peak loss was 40 lbs, but I’ve backtracked recently (new job, less movement) but I am at 35 lbs lost. Not quite at my goal, but I’m going to continue to work at it.Even if you don’t use it to lose weight, just seeing the level of activity each day is motivation enough to get up and be a little more active.

1. For the first time in over a year and a half, I’m sick. A pesky sinus infection. It’s bad enough that my RA usually fatigues me, but combine that with this and I struggle big time. 
2. There’s no good way for me to be sick. I am not supposed to complain.  I feel like I’m supposed to do everything I regularly do (it won’t get done otherwise, right?)
3. I hate the term ‘man-cold’, it’s stupid. Are we supposed to rest a little, or drive ourselves into the ground? This is one reason why we don’t like to admit there’s something wrong when we don’t feel well.
4. My tolerance and patience has been terribly short since Thursday. Totally out of my element.
5. I can’t deal with award shows. It feels like too much self-congratulating for my tastes.
6. I’m through with mean-spirited jabs that people try to pass off as humor. I’m looking at you, The Onion.
7. What did we do before Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and the like were prevalent?
8. Not everything is as it seems, and sometimes that’s OK. I don’t need to know everything.
9. I would like to personally thank the Genius who invented Noise Canceling Headphones.
10. If you say that you hate children (not one child, like all children), we are not going to get along and I won’t associate with you willingly.
11. According to my Fitbit, I have been getting less than 6 hours of sleep per night, so I’m dragging myself to bed.

In my quest to be a healthier version of myself, I had to do three things: accept/make no excuses, stop seeking permissions and make my time a non-negotiable commodity.

Excuses

We live in a world of excuses when it comes to making time for ourselves.

Make a way out of no way. “There’s no way I can eat right.”, “No way I can work out today.” Not before work? Not at lunch? Not after work? Can’t take 10 minutes to walk at lunch?

I had to interrogate my own excuses. There’s no way I can make time to eat right? Really? None? Bullshit. I can’t make breakfast at home? Find a healthy alternative while you’re out? Drive a half mile further to get something different? You can’t pack a lunch?

Most of those times, we’re bullshitting ourselves into excuses instead of admitting that We Don’t Want To Do It or that It’s Too Much Work.

Some things are Too Much Work. I weigh my food and count calories. For some, that’s a bridge they won’t cross. I felt I had a portion control problem, so I decided to be stringent and accountable for what I was shoving into my gullet instead of simply feeling bad about it later.

Other People

We give it all of our time away then blame Other People for our shortcomings.  I couldn’t go to the gym because of my coworker. I got a last minute assignment from some Other People.

Other People’s expectations will steal your time. Put a cap on how Other People suck up your time.

Other people will always give you more to do if you allow it. I have to force myself to be balanced. No one else can do it for you.

Martyrs

Other People can make us feel important and give us an ‘out’. It also allows us to be a martyr. Save the day for Other People at our own expense all the time.

Working hard with insane hours sometimes makes you feel important. But taking time away from that and balancing sometimes reminds you that the world will go on without you.

I never believed in all-nighters. Never pulled one in college. I believe in proper planning and rest. The sign that I *had* to stay up all night to take a test meant that I planned poorly and didn’t study in advance. I also know myself – when I try to work when I’m exhausted, I make more mistakes.

I was working on a prototype for a client a few years ago, and was put onto the project late. And it was in deep trouble. I had to work from home that day, and there were folks in the office I was working with. My computer blue screened (Thanks, Windows XP) and I said “screw it”, and drove into the office at 10pm. I worked until 7am, turned in the prototype, and saved the day. Yay me. Yay us.

I would have been done sooner if I didn’t make a huge mistake at 5am and spend an hour backtracking my steps trying to make sense of what I did. Every time I work ridiculously late or when I’m tired, I make mistakes.

Look at me! I made the project work! But I shouldn’ve have had to do that. When I see our teams at work brag about how a group of 10 people had to work 80 hour weeks for the last three weeks before launch to catch up, I think “damn, there’s something wrong there. I wouldn’t be proud of that. That’s a failure in planning and scoping somewhere.”

I wrecked my sleep pattern for the next week just off of that one day. I had to drive home and sleep from 8-2, and felt like I was drugged. I vowed never to do it again.

Ignoring your own health to prove your importance  is a sucker’s bet in the end.

Other People will let you skip what’s important to you if you don’t take time to do it. No one will care more about your well-being than you will. Most people won’t say, “hey man, get outta here” or “Go and run”. You have to take your own time back.

It can make us feel important if we’re always sacrificing our time to do something admirable. Maybe you can’t leave work cause a project is hellish. Maybe you can’t find childcare, you’re a single parent, your spouse works insane hours, You’re working in a submarine, etc. There’s always a way to find time to get out of a rut. You may not like your options, but there are always options. Situps and pushups at home. Walking instead of taking a bus. Parking further away.

People never take the time to say “man, you look like hell” if you’re burning the candle at both ends, but will be happy to say how great you look if you take care of yourself. As a matter of fact, they won’t care, as long as you give them what they want. When you finally get sick from stress or poor health, they’ll shake their heads and say “tsk, tsk, he should have taken care of himself.” But no one wants to give you time.

I feel better as a result of my efforts…and while I’ve slacked at times (new job, high stress)…I’m in a far better position than I was 1.5 years ago.

I gave Tyra a pancake (really, 3/4 of a pancake, she swears she can’t eat a whole one…up from 1/2 of a pancake last time). She devoured it.

Then she asks me for grapes (we bought some at Whole Foods yesterday).

One grape?
Sure, dear.
Another grape?
Go for it.
More grapes?
Dear, you’re going to get sick eating too much, and Mom is going to take you outside. Go brush your teeth.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (complete with running off and screaming).

She’s a wee bit dramatic. And very upset with me. She insists that I’m not going to get any Christmas presents.

Really? She’s this upset after I gave her some money to get a new dress, breakfast, and more food than she can handle?

This is just the tip of the iceberg, methinks.

Life’s been kicking my ass lately. But after a lot of thought, I realize how this year has been all about starting over…and not by my choice.

After six months of knee pain, I thought “I’ll go to Physical Therapy, get a little treatment, and I will be back running in no time. I still want to run a 10K and a half marathon in ’11.” It took four months to complete therapy (Starting in January), and I’m still not 100%. Not all of it is relating to my knee pain. Even after all the work I’ve done, I was encouraged to think about running a 5k late this year. I laughed when I heard it – I would routinely run 3.1 miles every time I hit the treadmill or the park.

I’m not a fast or lean runner, but I used it as part exercise, part therapy. I loved getting away, having time to myself to workout and think about things. I loved having an hour or so where I wasn’t needed. Didn’t need to answer questions, answer phones, or do anything. Missing that time to myself made me realize how much I relied on it for stress relief. A few people have recommended meditation. The second time, I started to download some podcasts. Even 15 minutes would help quite a bit. Now, if I could work up the courage to try some yoga, that would be pretty cool.

I’ve been working on a new client this year at work. Very different. For the first three years, I knew all of the terminology, all of the processes, I was comfortable with everything and was not surprised by anything. Now, I’m feeling a little more comfortable, but it took almost eight months and a lot of struggling to get to this point. Many days months I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was doing it. I didn’t know any of the processes, people, or terminology. There were some changes that didn’t make sense to me, and it took me a long time to understand the reasons behind it.

Also, I forgot how difficult it was to work with some people. I had a six week stretch where I was working with someone who just never gave an inch, communicated poorly, was condescending and flat out rude sometimes. Every day was a new urgent deadline with no explanation. I had ten to twelve hour days that left no time for anything else. Lunch. Work events. Getting home to tuck the kid in and see my wife. There was nothing fun, nothing that captivated my interest or attention. Every day felt a little like torture. But I figured that I wasn’t quite grasping the work, and I should not complain. I told myself “Buckle down, work harder, things will work themselves out.”

Until they don’t. I was burned out. I gave serious thought to quitting. Instead, my exasperation led me to ask for a little guidance. It turned out that some of that wasn’t my fault. A lot of it, actually. Things improved from there.

I’ve had to start over some other ways. Some I can’t discuss even here. (yes, there are things I don’t discuss publicly.) When I explained all of the stress over that time period, two people asked me “how are you still communicating coherently?” When I heard that the first time, I thought, “maybe I need to cut myself some slack.” When I heard it from the second person, I really had to step back. I didn’t think much about all the stress…I keep going cause it’s what I have to do. But I do realize that I have to give myself some credit, but keep moving forward.

All the stress has contributed to my RA flareups. That’s forced me to slow down. I have this complex where I try to do too much, and make up for lost time. It’s unsustainable, so I have to readjust my goals again. I have to carve out some time to connect with everyone, take time for myself, and recuperate.

So it’s time to stop kicking my own ass. Starting over.

Lessons in all of this:

• Ask for help, but work your ass off first.
• Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself.
• Know your limits, and respect yourself even if other people don’t.
• God laughs at your plans constantly.
• Be thankful for those folks who look out for you. I had some people go above and beyond for me, and I can’t forget that.
• Ask for forgiveness from people you love. But forgive yourself first.
• Stop feeling defeated when assholes wanna drag you down.

The first song that came on was one of my favorite groups, The Roots. The song, “Now or Never” came on and though I heard it many times before, I usually listened to this song while I was doing something, and only half paying attention. I repeated it the entire drive home. And I kept returning to it.

Let me preface this by noting that I usually adapt really well to change. Working in a technology field, I know I must embrace change in order to keep up with my industry and my job. Technologies change, requirements change and people’s minds change repeatedly. So the more flexible I am, the better off I am personally and professionally. However, a series of personal and professional changes just threw me for a loop and I haven’t accepted these changes so willingly or easily. I also need to change some personal habits in order to achieve my personal goals. So when the chorus blared at me, I stopped to listen and felt that it was relevant. I’ve had some of these thoughts in the last six months, and it’s just up to me to find some willpower.

Note: italics are my emphasis

Note 2: I detest the word “Nigga” but since they’re in the song, I will display the lyrics here.

“Now Or Never”
(feat. Phonte, Dice Raw)

Everything’s changing around me
and I want to change too
It’s one thing I know
It ain’t cool being no fool
I feel different today
I don’t know what else to say
But Imma get my shit together
It’s now or never

[Black Thought]
I’m sick, sick of waiting in vain, tired of playing the game
Thinking of making a change, finally breaking the chains
Every phase, every happening, craze
When it’s said and done, my head is right back in a haze
I’m ready for the next chapter and page to start acting my age
and part ways with Black Thought from back in the days
I’m stargazing from the back of the stage
Questioning if who y’all praise is worthy of praise
Was the phrase “bygones is bygones”
Niggas who used to be the underdogs is icons
People say the light shines once in a lifetime
Is this midlife kind a crisis a little bit like mine
I’m thinking not now, but right now
I need some kinda sign that the future is bright now
I fuck around, do the right thing like Spike now
The quick in the day, which one is my lookalike now
I’m moving ahead

[Phonte]
Yo, opportunities lost because I blew them
On the sunniest days of my life I cry through them
Mom’s out the picture and Pops, I barely knew him
And I would pray to God but I’m tired of lying to him
Tired of trying to run from the things inside of us
Got a lot of fam, and a lot of admirers
Who tell me that I should aspire to be changed
But when I think of changing, it’s like why even try this shit?
My mind hazy and my thoughts, they get distorted
I know my good and bad deeds both get recorded
You do right so your soul can last
But my role is cast before I even audition for it
So I don’t really see an end to my vice
It’s just false reformation, no end of my strife
Feel the evil overpowering, you can go ahead throw the towel in
‘Cause nigga, that’s the end of the fight
When you can only see the tunnel at the end of the light
Light’s out, party over, that’s the end of your life
and i’m out

[Dice Raw]
When I look into the mirror, and see my own image
I feel like there’s something else far in the distance
Something I wanna see, but something that’s resistant
And everyday the heartin’ is growing more persistent
I never noticed it before, but now I can’t miss it
And the constant pounding is driving me ballistic
I ran from it for years, but it’s still next to me
And it’s growing stronger, taking even less of me
I can’t fight it now, I know it’s just destiny
And I just wonder what’s gonna happen when it catches me
Will it leave me face down, in the Chesapeake
Or will it just start bringing out the best in me
But is the best in me really just the worst in me
And if so, yesterday could be my anniversary
And sinners court, is it important to have church with me
I’m trying to get rid of these ghosts that’s cursing me
I feeling change is an absolute certainty
‘Cause what’s going on is a state of emergency

As a fan of Hip-Hop, I cannot and will not defend all musicians or lyrics. However, I will that these lyrics and this group always find a way to say something relevant. I also love how lyrics like these can come to you after listening, even passively to them for months.

Thanks for reading.

I need more of some things, and less of others.

Maybe I need to spend more time:

• Writing – for many years I was told that I’m not any good at this. When I wrote a paper in HS, the teacher thought there was no way I could have written it. She asked for my sources. Once I furnished them, I got the high grade I deserved. As a developer, and even and a Black boy from the Bronx, no one expected me to write well. I think I started to listen to those negative voices. Recently I’ve been told quite the opposite. I’m not perfect, but I’m far better than those folks who insisted I’m a poor writer.
• Connecting with friends and family
• On my photography. I miss it a lot.
• Making things with my hands – I enjoy tinkering with electronics (a la Make, doing things around the house and I want to create useful things.
• Taking vacation: I wait til I’m burnt out to do that
• Away from the computer, or more off line
• Working out
• Taking care of myself and my family
• Reading
• Chasing my dreams (I’m not dead yet!)
• Time to prepare – I always seem to leave something out or do something last minute.

And I need less:

• Clutter (as much time as I’ve spent cleaning up, I thought the place would look great. Not yet. Take a photo of your house and look at it. It’s not what it appears in your mind’s eye)
• Frustration – I get frustrated too easily and I make flip decisions. I just need to slow down, regroup and think it through. I see it in Tyra too.
• Time on twitter (perhaps…I love the medium and all the folks I connect with. But I might not have taken a 48 hour break since I joined)
• Distractions
• Time saying yes to everyone else and saying no to myself
• Debt
• Negative thoughts – I’m not as horrible as I think.

I used to know what I would be doing every day at work. I am working on a completely new client. I know absolutely nothing about what I’m doing. It’s exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. For three years I was worked on the same kind of work every day. I was certain of what I was doing for the last two years. I got a little too comfortable.

I have been running for three (almost four) years. Now I am taking a little Physical Therapy because I have patella tendinitis in my left knee, and Iliotibial band (IT band) pain above that. I used running as part escape, part exercise. But I didn’t stay balanced. I didn’t weight train. I hardly ever stretched until I started to feel pain. One therapist said my IT band was as tight as a guitar string. Oh, and no running or cycling until I’m told it’s OK. It seems like it might be a while. I figured if I want to run a 10K and a half marathon this year, I need to be injury and pain-free before I start.

And one of my docs asked me to cut back on the alcohol for a little bit. Really? What’s left? What to do now to blow off some steam? I’m not good at finding an outlet. Any suggestions are welcome.

Sincerely,

Looking for an outlet.

Yesterday, I left the house, took Tyra to school as normal, and made a special stop to do some blood work for a doctor’s appointment next week. I should have done it Thursday. I forgot, and the lab was closed Friday – surprise! After I was done with the blood work, I rushed to the train, and went to the office. I unpacked my lunch, got settled in and realized…no one was there. I forgot that we had a day off. I didn’t read the holiday schedule to notice that we were off. I had only been there an hour, and only a co-worker who showed up to do her job noticed.

Related: I’m a dork.

This is just a microcosm of my life: I can prepare for some things well, and not others. I didn’t look at the calendar, and I’m only partially prepared for things.  I just need to pay more attention to things and prepare all the time, or at least more than I do now.

What are you missing out on these days? What have you forgotten? What slips through the cracks when you prepare for your day and week?

Side note: I left my phone in my car running for the train this morning.  *sigh*

Work had been kicking my ass lately. One project would run over into the next and project managers were all upset. Late nights and weekends were the norm for bringing work home. (Well, except Thanksgiving. I wasn’t interested in that nonsense.)

Just when I squared everything away and was ready to try to get back to normal, I received some awful news. My sister in Baltimore, Nikki had gone into labor and died after the baby was born. The shock was overwhelming for many reasons.

First, I got the news from another sister via a private msg – we didn’t even have each other’s phone number. That was bad enough. I was hoping to get together with everyone soon. There was a lot of drama and frustration around our father who I wasn’t talking to. I had let that anger keep me distant from everyone.

I discussed this with a friend on Twitter; she said that everything that happened isn’t their fault and that I should reach out. Once she said it like that, I agreed. l don’t usually hold onto grudges, but I let this linger for too long.

I was sad that we didn’t get a chance to get together. I was heartbroken for my brother in law, my niece and new nephew. The last time I was even close to seeing them we breezed back and forth to D.C. Because of a wedding for one of Shonda’s friends. I didn’t even have extra time to make one stop. We had to get back to our jobs.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Nikki was only 33. She worked in a NICU as a neonatal nurse. I don’t know of any other time something like this would happen. Not here.

Finally, the four of us did get together. We all wish it was under happier circumstances. I often felt that weddings and funerals were the only reasons my family got together.

Nikki was always trying to get us together. We all live close enough to make it work. I’m putting aside my anger and reaching out to my other sisters. I lost a piece of myself, but I hope to gain a little by reaching out to family. I hoped we could do better. We all plan to, soon.

Melisa, Myself, Maelean and Shawna

We haven’t seen each other in too long. Now we’re in touch pretty regularly.

Ryan. Cute kid, first meeting.

I’ve really appreciated all of the support from friends, family and colleagues. There was such an outpouring of love, it’s been overwhelming. It’s been almost a month, and it still doesn’t make sense to me…but I never thought everything that happens is meant for me to understand.

Nikki will be missed. Love ya, sis.