A random collection of thoughts through time. Some informative, some explicative, some strange.

I hate writing the post that explains why I haven’t posted in four months. There’s not a way out of this.

Life’s been kicking my ass lately. But after a lot of thought, I realize how this year has been all about starting over…and not by my choice.

After six months of knee pain, I thought “I’ll go to Physical Therapy, get a little treatment, and I will be back running in no time. I still want to run a 10K and a half marathon in ’11.” It took four months to complete therapy (Starting in January), and I’m still not 100%. Not all of it is relating to my knee pain. Even after all the work I’ve done, I was encouraged to think about running a 5k late this year. I laughed when I heard it – I would routinely run 3.1 miles every time I hit the treadmill or the park.

I’m not a fast or lean runner, but I used it as part exercise, part therapy. I loved getting away, having time to myself to workout and think about things. I loved having an hour or so where I wasn’t needed. Didn’t need to answer questions, answer phones, or do anything. Missing that time to myself made me realize how much I relied on it for stress relief. A few people have recommended meditation. The second time, I started to download some podcasts. Even 15 minutes would help quite a bit. Now, if I could work up the courage to try some yoga, that would be pretty cool.

I’ve been working on a new client this year at work. Very different. For the first three years, I knew all of the terminology, all of the processes, I was comfortable with everything and was not surprised by anything. Now, I’m feeling a little more comfortable, but it took almost eight months and a lot of struggling to get to this point. Many days months I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was doing it. I didn’t know any of the processes, people, or terminology. There were some changes that didn’t make sense to me, and it took me a long time to understand the reasons behind it.

Also, I forgot how difficult it was to work with some people. I had a six week stretch where I was working with someone who just never gave an inch, communicated poorly, was condescending and flat out rude sometimes. Every day was a new urgent deadline with no explanation. I had ten to twelve hour days that left no time for anything else. Lunch. Work events. Getting home to tuck the kid in and see my wife. There was nothing fun, nothing that captivated my interest or attention. Every day felt a little like torture. But I figured that I wasn’t quite grasping the work, and I should not complain. I told myself “Buckle down, work harder, things will work themselves out.”

Until they don’t. I was burned out. I gave serious thought to quitting. Instead, my exasperation led me to ask for a little guidance. It turned out that some of that wasn’t my fault. A lot of it, actually. Things improved from there.

I’ve had to start over some other ways. Some I can’t discuss even here. (yes, there are things I don’t discuss publicly.) When I explained all of the stress over that time period, two people asked me “how are you still communicating coherently?” When I heard that the first time, I thought, “maybe I need to cut myself some slack.” When I heard it from the second person, I really had to step back. I didn’t think much about all the stress…I keep going cause it’s what I have to do. But I do realize that I have to give myself some credit, but keep moving forward.

All the stress has contributed to my RA flareups. That’s forced me to slow down. I have this complex where I try to do too much, and make up for lost time. It’s unsustainable, so I have to readjust my goals again. I have to carve out some time to connect with everyone, take time for myself, and recuperate.

So it’s time to stop kicking my own ass. Starting over.

Lessons in all of this:

• Ask for help, but work your ass off first.
• Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself.
• Know your limits, and respect yourself even if other people don’t.
• God laughs at your plans constantly.
• Be thankful for those folks who look out for you. I had some people go above and beyond for me, and I can’t forget that.
• Ask for forgiveness from people you love. But forgive yourself first.
• Stop feeling defeated when assholes wanna drag you down.

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One day last week, after a long day at work, I dragged my legs to my car, mentally and physically worn out. I flipped through ideas in my head regarding what I should change. I felt that I was repeating the same habits and wasn’t enjoying myself. I took my iPod out of my ears and connected it once I was in the car. The drive home was short, but I couldn’t stand to listen to anything on the radio – the formulaic Top 40/Popular Hip-Hop, nor the Sports talk radio interested me.

The first song that came on was one of my favorite groups, The Roots. The song, “Now or Never” came on and though I heard it many times before, I usually listened to this song while I was doing something, and only half paying attention. I repeated it the entire drive home. And I kept returning to it.

Let me preface this by noting that I usually adapt really well to change. Working in a technology field, I know I must embrace change in order to keep up with my industry and my job. Technologies change, requirements change and people’s minds change repeatedly. So the more flexible I am, the better off I am personally and professionally. However, a series of personal and professional changes just threw me for a loop and I haven’t accepted these changes so willingly or easily. I also need to change some personal habits in order to achieve my personal goals. So when the chorus blared at me, I stopped to listen and felt that it was relevant. I’ve had some of these thoughts in the last six months, and it’s just up to me to find some willpower.

Note: italics are my emphasis

Note 2: I detest the word “Nigga” but since they’re in the song, I will display the lyrics here.

“Now Or Never”
(feat. Phonte, Dice Raw)

Everything’s changing around me
and I want to change too
It’s one thing I know
It ain’t cool being no fool
I feel different today
I don’t know what else to say
But Imma get my shit together
It’s now or never

[Black Thought]
I’m sick, sick of waiting in vain, tired of playing the game
Thinking of making a change, finally breaking the chains
Every phase, every happening, craze
When it’s said and done, my head is right back in a haze
I’m ready for the next chapter and page to start acting my age
and part ways with Black Thought from back in the days
I’m stargazing from the back of the stage
Questioning if who y’all praise is worthy of praise
Was the phrase “bygones is bygones”
Niggas who used to be the underdogs is icons
People say the light shines once in a lifetime
Is this midlife kind a crisis a little bit like mine
I’m thinking not now, but right now
I need some kinda sign that the future is bright now
I fuck around, do the right thing like Spike now
The quick in the day, which one is my lookalike now
I’m moving ahead

[Phonte]
Yo, opportunities lost because I blew them
On the sunniest days of my life I cry through them
Mom’s out the picture and Pops, I barely knew him
And I would pray to God but I’m tired of lying to him
Tired of trying to run from the things inside of us
Got a lot of fam, and a lot of admirers
Who tell me that I should aspire to be changed
But when I think of changing, it’s like why even try this shit?
My mind hazy and my thoughts, they get distorted
I know my good and bad deeds both get recorded
You do right so your soul can last
But my role is cast before I even audition for it
So I don’t really see an end to my vice
It’s just false reformation, no end of my strife
Feel the evil overpowering, you can go ahead throw the towel in
‘Cause nigga, that’s the end of the fight
When you can only see the tunnel at the end of the light
Light’s out, party over, that’s the end of your life
and i’m out

[Dice Raw]
When I look into the mirror, and see my own image
I feel like there’s something else far in the distance
Something I wanna see, but something that’s resistant
And everyday the heartin’ is growing more persistent
I never noticed it before, but now I can’t miss it
And the constant pounding is driving me ballistic
I ran from it for years, but it’s still next to me
And it’s growing stronger, taking even less of me
I can’t fight it now, I know it’s just destiny
And I just wonder what’s gonna happen when it catches me
Will it leave me face down, in the Chesapeake
Or will it just start bringing out the best in me
But is the best in me really just the worst in me
And if so, yesterday could be my anniversary
And sinners court, is it important to have church with me
I’m trying to get rid of these ghosts that’s cursing me
I feeling change is an absolute certainty
‘Cause what’s going on is a state of emergency

As a fan of Hip-Hop, I cannot and will not defend all musicians or lyrics. However, I will that these lyrics and this group always find a way to say something relevant. I also love how lyrics like these can come to you after listening, even passively to them for months.

Thanks for reading.

I seem to keep coming back to the same ideas and themes after a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

I need more of some things, and less of others.

Maybe I need to spend more time:

• Writing – for many years I was told that I’m not any good at this. When I wrote a paper in HS, the teacher thought there was no way I could have written it. She asked for my sources. Once I furnished them, I got the high grade I deserved. As a developer, and even and a Black boy from the Bronx, no one expected me to write well. I think I started to listen to those negative voices. Recently I’ve been told quite the opposite. I’m not perfect, but I’m far better than those folks who insisted I’m a poor writer.
• Connecting with friends and family
• On my photography. I miss it a lot.
• Making things with my hands – I enjoy tinkering with electronics (a la Make, doing things around the house and I want to create useful things.
• Taking vacation: I wait til I’m burnt out to do that
• Away from the computer, or more off line
• Working out
• Taking care of myself and my family
• Reading
• Chasing my dreams (I’m not dead yet!)
• Time to prepare – I always seem to leave something out or do something last minute.

And I need less:

• Clutter (as much time as I’ve spent cleaning up, I thought the place would look great. Not yet. Take a photo of your house and look at it. It’s not what it appears in your mind’s eye)
• Frustration – I get frustrated too easily and I make flip decisions. I just need to slow down, regroup and think it through. I see it in Tyra too.
• Time on twitter (perhaps…I love the medium and all the folks I connect with. But I might not have taken a 48 hour break since I joined)
• Distractions
• Time saying yes to everyone else and saying no to myself
• Debt
• Negative thoughts – I’m not as horrible as I think.

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I’ve been feeling a nagging sensation lately…something hasn’t been right. I can’t get my bearings and find consistency. Everything I used to rely on has been taken away or changed recently.

I used to know what I would be doing every day at work. I am working on a completely new client. I know absolutely nothing about what I’m doing. It’s exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. For three years I was worked on the same kind of work every day. I was certain of what I was doing for the last two years. I got a little too comfortable.

I have been running for three (almost four) years. Now I am taking a little Physical Therapy because I have patella tendinitis in my left knee, and Iliotibial band (IT band) pain above that. I used running as part escape, part exercise. But I didn’t stay balanced. I didn’t weight train. I hardly ever stretched until I started to feel pain. One therapist said my IT band was as tight as a guitar string. Oh, and no running or cycling until I’m told it’s OK. It seems like it might be a while. I figured if I want to run a 10K and a half marathon this year, I need to be injury and pain-free before I start.

And one of my docs asked me to cut back on the alcohol for a little bit. Really? What’s left? What to do now to blow off some steam? I’m not good at finding an outlet. Any suggestions are welcome.

Sincerely,

Looking for an outlet.

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